D-Day
Were I creative writing teacher I’d assign the class to write something based on this photo from aboard a D-Day landing craft.
Crazy Aunt Christmas
A true song for families with crazy aunts, like our late Aunt Mary: Lyrics:
She gives us Christmas fun
Vintage Fudge Mix best used by June of ’91
Gifts wrapped in napkins, place mats she’s pilfered
or a paper bag
can’t make stuff up like that
with a scotch she melts into her seat
and settles in to take the view
of the frozen bay
Looking like Ben Franklin wearing mink
the tension breaks when we top her drink
and I think
Here’s to the Crazy Aunts at Christmas
I hope you got a Crzy Aunt, too
Everybody needs a crazy aunt
to bring a special something just for you
She avoids the shopping rush
with a Triscuit box what now holds
a gently used
lint brush
A cylinder can attracts my eye
a rusty can to make our own
kidney pie
From the corner of her drooping eyes
she’s watching as we reach for words
awkward words
She had no children to call her own
we’ll have to do
’cause she lives alone
but she’s not alone today
Here’s to the Crazy Aunts at Christmas
I hope you got a Crzy Aunt, too
Everybody needs a crazy aunt
to bring a special something just for you
The myth of retirement
Courtesy of CBS.
How that Running Down a Dream solo is done.
This guy does a great demonstration of one of the finer solos in classic rock. Easy to see what’s going on, so really a public service for others who want to learn it. I still think learning some of the best licks is a great way to be a better guitarist generally. It all adds to the skill set.
Magazine Writer Exchange Program Fails
Journalistic cross-pollination seemed like a promising and noble idea, but after three weeks, the staffs of Better Homes and Gardens and Cosmopolitan magazines are backing away from the exchange experiment that brought nothing but rancor and confusion to both publications.
Despite sensational headlines such as ” Sexy, sexy Linoleum!” and “How to make him beg for more — pie!” staff members from such divergent magazine cultures were unable to coexist and realize the publishers’ grand vision to “bridge the gap between wild and domestic.”
Ultimately the respective readerships lost focus, which is evident from the shifting tones of the advice columns. From Cosmo’s “Ask the Sexy Slut” advice column:
Q: Dear Slut — My boyfriends are coming home on leave, but they’ve found out about another battalion I’m dating. I really don’t want to give up either. How can I keep them from assaulting each other?
A: Invite both battalions over and explain it doesn’t have to be either/or. Most military men prefer not to engage in deadly force with members of the same service branch, so you’re in control. First, bake the home battalion an Apple Brown Betty. You will need:
- 800 eggs
- 1400 Golden Bozo Delicious apples
- 1/2 ton of brown sugar
- 400 pounds of Crisco
- an industrial oven
(See our article “Coupon Madness!” for tips on smart grocery shopping) After serving the first battalion their Apple Brown Betty, taking care while doing so to lean over and flash your Great Divide, go have dirty sexy sex with the returning battalion. Alternate battalions each night. As always, before deployment hand-knit each soldier a colorful grenade snuggle.
The Better Homes and Gardens advice column also confused the core readership with pieces like:
Q: I don’t have the money to hire a decorator, and I have no sense of color coordination. What are some fundamentals for the clueless?
A: You’re in luck here. Just remember this simple rule: Nothing clashes with handcuffs and lingerie, and if your lover claimed it did, and he is male, he’s gay. Your biggest challenge will be in your collection of sex toys, which probably represents most colors available in the web-safe HTML palette. Here your decorating solution is only two words: throw pillows. You will want throw pillows in every room where you have sex, which should include that attic and crawl space. Also, the back yard. Carry a coordinating throw pillow with you for dangerous sexy sex in a taxi, elevator or airport rest room!
Tensions also flared in the office.
“I brought in my invention, an anti-static dust ruffle, to share with the girls,” 
said Better Homes and Gardens veteran staffer Marge Tutsile. “When I went to the break room to snack on my homemade, low-fat yogurt ball trail mix with its cavalcade of taste sensations, some Cosmo bitch made garter belts of my dust ruffle! So I stole her little black dress and made a silverware ties from it.”
Even the ensuing catfight between the two staffs was unsatisfying, said security watchman Darellus Jackson, who watched the event on closed-circuit television. “Some cute baskets were overturned, some iPhones thrown, but, damned, the Homes and Gardens bitches outweighed the Cosmo girls two-to-one. It was over real quick. And let me just say, when women in make-up cry, nobody wins.”
The Jack Bauer Cooking Hour
OPEN: QUAD SCREEN WITH DIGITAL CLOCK
BOX 1: A cookbook partially obscured by a dishrag
BOX 2: Cooking oil in a Dutch oven
BOX 3: A bag of shrimp, quick zoom on sell-by date
BOX 4: A beautiful WOMAN, dressed for a date, driving
INT. JACK’S KITCHEN — EVENING
JACK frantically searches for something in the midst of desperate meal preparation. Ingredients are on the counters, cabinet doors open.
JACK: DAMMIT!
CU: Five-second contractual hold on Cisco Networks Recipe Database and video phone. Jack dials, he hears the phone chirping, but no one picks up. He looks at his watch.
JACK: Pick up!
CU: JACK’S DAUGHTER KIM appears on the video phone.
KIM: Dad?
JACK: Thank, God. You’re there.
KIM: What’s wrong? Am I in trouble? I told you not to call unless someone’s trying to assassinate me.
JACK: No, no, honey. You’re fine, but I need your help. I’m cooking.
KIM: Cooking? Do you have a date?
JACK: No, yes. I’ll explain later! Right now I need your help. It’s the gumbo.
KIM: Oh, Dad, not shrimp gumbo. That shrimp’s past the sell-by date!
JACK: There’s still time! But I can’t find the Joy of Cooking! I need you to talk me through it.
KIM: Have you looked in your cloaking satchel?
JACK: It’s gone dark. I can’t find it.
KIM: Try to think of the last time you saw it. Did you bring it with you when you shot that East European bioterrorist in the knees?
JACK: No, no. I saw it somewhere, but, but there’s no time, Kim. I need gumbo, and I need it now! She’s on her way!
KIM: Okay, okay! (a beat) Chicken and shrimp gumbo-laya or…
JACK: Dammit! Not gumbo-laya, shrimp and vegetable gumbo!
KIM: All right! Now listen to me. Heat a Dutch oven with two tablespoons of oil, then sautee a cup each of chopped onions and bell peppers, half a cup of chopped celery and a clove of garlic.
JACK: Copy that.
(PHONE CHIRPS)
JACK: Standby, Kim.
KIM: Copy that.
CUT TO WOMAN, INT. CAR, ON PHONE:
OS: Bauer.
WOMAN: Jack? Hey, I might be there a little early. I hope you don’t think I’m too anxious.
JACK: No, no. I’m looking forward to a nice quiet evening.
WOMAN: Good. You need to unwind. No shop talk. No interrogations, no disarming weapons of mass destruction, okay?
JACK: I promise.
WOMAN: Okay, I’m at the corner of Sepulveda and Bob Saget Boulevard, so I should be there soon.
JACK looks at his watch, then the Dutch Oven. He punches the CISCO SYSTEM to a local map tracking her vehicle.
JACK: Hey, as long as you’re early, why don’t you pick up a bottle of wine. There’s a package store a few blocks south. That would put you here between 19-47 and 19-53 hours.
WOMAN: What? I already have wine. I think ahead.
JACK: DAMMIT!
WOMAN: Jack, is something wrong?
JACK: Sorry I said, Saget.. Just some bad memories.
WOMAN: Well, we’ll make some new memories soon enough. See you in a little bit.
JACK: Okay.
JACK punches KIM back in.
KIM: I heard that. Dad, we have to move fast. Have you deveined?
JACK: There’s no time. She’s almost here!
KIM: You have to devein! If you don’t, it’s not gumbo!
Jack pulls out his knife and stares down the expiring shrimp. He wipes the blade with the dishrag, revealing the Joy of Cooking to audience but not to JACK
AUDIO: Sound design count out.
QUAD SCREEN WITH DIGITAL CLOCK.
BOX 1: WOMAN drives past a package store. Bob Saget stands on a corner watching menacingly as she passes by.
BOX 2: Dutch oven
BOX 3: A bag of shrimp, wilting on the counter
BOX 4: Cloaking satchel in invisible mode