Journalistic cross-pollination seemed like a promising and noble idea, but after three weeks, the staffs of Better Homes and Gardens and Cosmopolitan magazines are backing away from the exchange experiment that brought nothing but rancor and confusion to both publications.

Despite sensational headlines such as ” Sexy, sexy Linoleum!” and “How to make him beg for more — pie!” staff members from such divergent magazine cultures were unable to coexist and realize the publishers’ grand vision to “bridge the gap between wild and domestic.”

Ultimately the respective readerships lost focus, which is evident from the shifting tones of the advice columns. From Cosmo’s “Ask the Sexy Slut” advice column:

Q: Dear Slut — My boyfriends are coming home on leave, but they’ve found out about another battalion I’m dating. I really don’t want to give up either. How can I keep them from assaulting each other?

A: Invite both battalions over and explain it doesn’t have to be either/or. Most military men prefer not to engage in deadly force with members of the same service branch, so you’re in control. First, bake the home battalion an Apple Brown Betty. You will need:

• 800 eggs
• 1400 Golden Bozo Delicious apples
• 1/2 ton of brown sugar
• 400 pounds of Crisco
• an industrial oven

(See our article “Coupon Madness!” for tips on smart grocery shopping) After serving the first battalion their Apple Brown Betty, taking care while doing so to lean over and flash your Great Divide, go have dirty sexy sex with the returning battalion. Alternate battalions each night. As always, before deployment hand-knit each soldier a colorful grenade snuggle.

The Better Homes and Gardens advice column also confused the core readership with pieces like:

Q: I don’t have the money to hire a decorator, and I have no sense of color coordination. What are some fundamentals for the clueless?

A: You’re in luck here. Just remember this simple rule: Nothing clashes with handcuffs and lingerie, and if your lover claimed it did, and he is male, he’s gay. Your biggest challenge will be in your collection of sex toys, which probably represents most colors available in the web-safe HTML palette. Here your decorating solution is only two words: throw pillows. You will want throw pillows in every room where you have sex, which should include that attic and crawl space. Also, the back yard. Carry a coordinating throw pillow with you for dangerous sexy sex in a taxi, elevator or airport rest room!

Tensions also flared in the office.

“I brought in my invention, an anti-static dust ruffle, to share with the girls,” said Better Homes and Gardens veteran staffer Marge Tutsile. “When I went to the break room to snack on my homemade, low-fat yogurt ball trail mix with its cavalcade of taste sensations, some Cosmo bitch made garter belts of my dust ruffle! So I stole her little black dress and made a silverware ties from it.”

Even the ensuing catfight between the two staffs was unsatisfying, said security watchman Darellus Jackson, who watched the event on closed-circuit television. “Some cute baskets were overturned, some iPhones thrown, but, damned, the Homes and Gardens bitches outweighed the Cosmo girls two-to-one. It was over real quick. And let me just say, when women in make-up cry, nobody wins.”