I had all good intentions of spewing something about the loss of credibility in culture, largely at the hands of bias, commerce and advertising; about how search engines were once a possible source of objectivity until search engine optimization; about how friends were once trusted sources of information until word-of-mouth advertising cast a bit of theoretical doubt on even everyday chatter; about the message of art seeming suspect in the age of product placement. But good intentions are expendable when Squirrel Wars have been declared.

A Honda-class squirrel has returned to the attic over my kitchen/laundry area. Admittedly, I’m assuming it’s a squirrel. It could be a very large rat, in keeping with our holiday tradition of rat invasion due to colder weather and nearby demolition of older homes, but it would have to be a very hyper rat. From my rodent experience, which includes a dead rat falling on my head when I opened the attic stairs and trapping a rat in what instantly became a disposable pot, and much listening to rodent scurryings, I’m nearly certain this is a squirrel, especially since last year I saw one in the same area.

Initial hostilities today were mostly a matter of posturing. I blared a sports talk radio show at the suspected hideout. However, the wife unit found this obnoxious, so I turned off the radio. Three hours later, the squirrels were back in full taunt — doing the lambada (or worse) over my laundry.

Following time tested advice from tradespeople I invested in some mothballs, choosing the “old fashion” mothballs because apparently no one’s made any “new fangled” mothballs. Despite the mention on the box that they should not be used for chasing off squirrels, I devised a strategy of inserting the mothballs into their quarters by building what I’ve just now decided to call a stink stick. Maybe I’d just better call it the applicator. As you can see from the photo, the applicator consists of a sock filled with mothballs which is wired through a hole in a piece of stray oak toe moulding. This is why, if you have toe moulding, you should never actually install it. You’ll get squirrels. Friends may recognize the late 1991 Trooper, which was enlisted as a weapon assembly area.)

The applicator was introduced into the theater of war in a night time operation, thus securing the element of surprise, as recommended by Sun Tzu. And now our offensive material is located directly in their path of entry and exit. Since installation an hour ago I’ve not heard a peep from them. No doubt they are huddled in a temporary headquarters plotting their response, fully aware that, as I proved last year, I’m not above the nuclear option — the pellet rifle.

UPDATE: An Aussie friend has written to express doubt about achieving ultimate victory through mothballs. This blog is open to suggestions for squirrel eradication pending further research at county extension services. Meanwhile, I’m going to have to take a reciprocal saw to a portion of unexposed roof decking in the attic area to achieve more direct access to Squirrel HQ. Logistics is preparing the Ryobi cordless saw with fresh batteries.

UPDATE #2:
We’ve not heard any enemy activity at our point of attack, but there is evidence of a flanking maneuver (though I’d like to think of it as a retreat) because the wife unit reports scurrying above the bedroom, roughly 25 feet from the laundry/kitchen area. An outdoor patrol with the pellet rifle yielded no targets. Centcom is considering several options, including dispersal of mothball fumes by way of the bathroom exhaust fan.

UPDATE #3:
Hostilities have escalated dramatically due to an engagement at approximately 1500 hours today. Upon hearing scurrying above the bedroom quarters, I reconnoitered via a closet scuttle hatch. Hoping to frighten the enemy into retreat or perhaps encourage an epileptic seizure, I raised that hatch enough to insert the head of a work light, which I flashed in a random pattern, if there can be such a thing. Scratch that. I flashed the light randomly. Within 10 seconds a very large squirrel raced roughly 18 feet from its previous position and attempted to either jump from the attic or attack my head. Due to rapid realignment of the scuttle hatch, the squirrel’s offensive was repelled and the proper functioning of my adrenal glands was confirmed.

Further research led to emergency procurement via the nearest home improvement logistical distribution center of a model 1025 trap. Time will tell if this unit is too small for enemy, but it has been baited and deployed in the area of the most recent engagement.

Removal of the stink stick has failed due to snagging of the sock module on a recessed piece of structure. The laundry area now smells like a thousand gramma armoires. Further removal efforts will commence by 0900 hours. We retire now to the mess hall for a proprietary dish known to our unit as “El Guapo.”

UPDATE #4:
1300 hours — It’s quiet. Yes, too quiet.
!330 hours: — The enemy has expanded its theater of operations to include the entire attic area as I now hear activity directly above me in the enclosed porch that is Johnfrickinsmith Centcom. We immediately procured at a secondary home improvement distribution center a larger model 1030 trap, baited it with Jif peanut butter and fresh pecan nut meat, and positioned the capture mechanism next to the chimney in the area of most recent activity. Scurryings can still be heard in the area, though it sounds more subdued. Our unit will now undertake target practice, after which we’ll file further dispatches, including a map of the battelfield. Sock module removal has been postponed due to weather and reprioritization.

1700 hours: — Target practice with the 66 Powermaster indicated a need for sight calibration as shooting skewed right. Adjustments to the sighting mechanism as well as learned shooter aiming bias resulted in acceptable hits on target. The 66 Powermaster remains loaded with safety on, though its ultimate use in battle remains a last resort — or maybe a second to last resort. A break in the weather allowed us to reinitiate sock module removal procedures. Thanks to some creative field modifications of the stink stick and resourceful development of new techniques the sock module was removed successfully and disposed of appropriately.

Inspection of the known point of entry revealed a natural structural opening made larger by apparent gnawing by the enemy. We deployed into the hole a fine steel wool, or at least a pretty nice steel wool. This psyops tactic is meant to allow the enemy to remove the obstacle with some effort, thus confirming that the point of entry is still in use, while causing maximum annoyance and discomfort resulting from gnawing on steel wool. In this way we hope to wear down the enemy, or at a mimumum, his teeth, thus encouraging his retreat.

UPDATE#5:
–1/3/06 At roughly 1400 hours we heard the enemy above the dining and living area. Please use the above map with your own modifications for these most recent movements until cartography can be notified. The pretty nice steel wool was removed from the known point of entry. Curiously it felt wet on the side facing inside the structure. On deeper consideration of this intelligence we’ve concluded, “Ewwww.” Now that the enemy has an escape route we will patrol the area tomorrow, and if it can be verified that the enemy is the the field rather than the attic, we might deploy permanent barrier materials. Failing that, backup weapon systems in the form of Victor rat traps have been secured and await deployment.

UPDATE #6:

Because enemy forces do not respect borders and routinely support the insurgency with supply convoys via gutter or tree from our backyard wilderness area, the field of operations was expanded yesterday to encompass our legal property as a sovereign household. From a sniping position in allied sleeping quarters, our forces reduced the enemy by one. The body was interred in a side yard location where it would not be subject to instinctual exhumation by the K-9 unit. Though no confirmed attic scurryings have been noted since the engagement, Centcom operations has not issued a cessation of hostilities. Defensive measures, including the pretty nice steel wool will be modified with a secondary barrier of hardware cloth at the known point of entry and both capture units will remain in place for several days. If no further evidence of the enemy is noted, we will look for the receipts and consider returning the capture units to their respective home improvement logistical warehouse distribution centers. Then the alert level may be reduced from Gwen Stefani lipstick red to Rub-On Tan President.

— Jan 6. No further evidence of enemy activity. Alert level remains unchanged.

— Jan 7. No reports of enemy activity. If conditions hold until tomorrow Centcom will reduce the threat level to George Hamilton Bronze and suspend updates.

— Jan 9. Centcom has reduced the threat level to Rub-On Tan President. The 1025 and 1030 capture units will remain in field and not returned to their respective home improvement logistical warehouse distribution centers because the Wife Unit disposed of the packaging materials. Clearly this indicates a failure in communications along the chain of command which will be corrected and reinforced in training.

UPDATE #7:

January 16 — A casual glance outside Centcom revealed a potential enemy scout consuming a nut-ready-to-eat (NRE) while perched atop a household structure not 15 feet from the final resting place of his fellow insurgent. The photograph has been fowarded to Intelligence where it will be cataloged with advanced facial recognition software and analyzed for clues as to enemy condition.

The alert level remains at Rub-On Tan President. Our orders are to engage in deadly force only during active infestation of our structure or destruction of allied property.