Lately, I’ve listened to the Fly on the Wall podcast with Dana Carvey and David Spade, which is a very informal, informative, and entertaining group blathering with people who have been in the SNL orbit. As a result I’ve watched a little SNL again. (I can hang shelves before they finish with the opening credits. Jeebus.)
What I noticed is that SNL remains less committed to comedy than it is to partisan political snark, which is sad to me. So much talent actively ignoring so much funny.
I decided to try a few skits, and this is the first. Were I actually presenting it, I’d change the opening and maybe tighten, edit, proofread, etc., but I’m not getting paid, and this gets the idea across. I hope I find something better to do before I write another one.
CUSTOMER SERVICE COUNTER The supervisor enters with Jen Psaki.
SUPERVISOR: Well, Jen, here’s Customer Service. We’re honored corporate could convince you to show us how to cut down on our returns. With all this inflation, too many people are just using a purchase one or two times and then returning it to save money. It’s killing us. Just a quick demonstration is all we need. No one shuts things down like you!
JEN: Mm-hmm. So have all these people submitted their issues in advance?
SUPERVISOR: What? No.
JEN: So, improv. Great. For future reference, I prefer scripted. God knows what can happen when you go off-script. You may go.
(SUPERVISOR EXITS)
(Jen steps up to one employee just in the process of refunding a purchase)
EMPLOYEE: And I can just refund this to your card if you give me one second…
JEN: (Stepping in to bump the employee aside. Jen taps the screen) Sir, that sale is final. No refund.
CUSTOMER #1: But, here’s the receipt. I’m just returning it. It’s the original packaging.
JEN: Corporate has been very clear that …(now reading from notes behind the counter) our return policy was never written in stone. It’s a living, breathing document that adapts to changing cultural, technological, and social circumstances for the equity of all. You’ll just have to maintain possession of your air fryer, and I’m sure that’s a sacrifice you’re willing to make for the public good.
CUSTOMER #1: But I don’t want to fry air!
JEN: Are there any more questions?
(Customer #2 raises hand)
JEN: Yes, who are you with?
CUSTOMER #2: Myself?
JEN: Sure, I’m happy to welcome our independents from substack.
CUSTOMER#2: Sub what? I just want to return this guest soap.
JEN: What’s wrong with it?
CUSTOMER #2: Nothing.
JEN: Great, next?
CUSTOMER #2: Wait…
JEN: No follow-ups
Customer #2: It’s just that we don’t need guest soap. We don’t have guests.
JEN: Oh, really? I suppose you’ve built a big orange wall around your house to keep out the guests.
Customer #2: What? No!
JEN: And I suppose you have a giant painting of you playing golf or something?
CUSTOMER #2: Oh, no. It’s just that we can’t afford luxuries like this anymore. Inflation is just so bad. Meat is up 15%. Gas is up 40%, utilities are up…
JEN: Well, sure, I get it. Those are your talking points, and you’re sticking to them. But (referring to notes again) according to 51 former senior intelligence officials, inflation isn’t all that bad. For instance, you mention things like food and gas, but the price for many popular items has actually gone down.
CUSTOMER #2: Oh, that doesn’t sound right.
JEN: You might be surprised to learn that costs are down 40% and 32%, respectively, for certain staples.
CUSTOMER #2: Like what?
JEN: Well, specifically, fentanyl and sex worker services, but many other items are declining in price or will decline shortly.
CUSTOMER #2: Like what?
JEN: Most stocks, for starters. Ironically, called “equities.”
Customer #2: I just want to return these soap balls. How about a store credit?
JEN: Just hang on to them. You’ll want to wash up a lot when the next round of Covid hits. Okay, you. Yes, you.
CUSTOMER #3: I’d like to return this lawn darts set, and, a quick follow-up, will you marry me?
JEN: Do you have a receipt?
CUSTOMER #3: Yes.
(CUSTOMER offers receipt. Jen snatches it and quickly throws it away)
CUSTOMER #3: My receipt!
JEN: Your request is now under investigation. I have no further comments about an ongoing investigation. As for matrimony, I may already be married.
CUSTOMER #3: Are you? You never mentioned it.
JEN: I have a few children, so it’s certainly possible, though, of course, no one should be penalized and denied a family because of their marital status, sexual orientation, or gender identity.
CUSTOMER #3: But if you’re available, is that a yes?
JEN: I can’t give a hard answer right now, but I can circle back with you tomorrow. In the meantime, you can take your lawn darts with you.
CUSTOMER #3: I can’t return them for a refund now?
JEN: There are no returns without a receipt. I’m sure you understand.
CUSTOMER #3. I demand to return these lawn darts because, because….they’re racist!
JEN: And how so?
CUSTOMER #3: Um, we don’t actually *make* anything anymore, so they were probably made somewhere slavey and exploity.
(JEN raises her eyebrows)
CUSTOMER #3: Plus, um, the math describing the arc of their trajectory is racist…probably.
JEN: We *do* believe that all geometry and physics should guarantee equity.
CUSTOMER #3: Of course you do! Because we’re the same, you and me. We belong together, Jen, can’t you see? I don’t care if you’re already married! Fifty-one former senior intelligence officials probably know people who can deal with that!
JEN: You make valid points. As I’m sure you’re aware, thoughtful, reasoned give-and-take often leads to productive compromise and workable policies, so I suppose our union could be considered an example of leading by example.
CUSTOMER #3: Exactly. Give and take.
JEN: Constant, relentless, spirited give and take.
Customer #3: To explore all the ins and outs.
JEN: The back and forth.
Customer #3: Even if it takes all night.
JEN: Sir, follow me. This kind of negotiation should be done behind closed doors.
(Jen looks over her shoulder as she walks through double swinging doors to an employee area behind the counter. Customer #3 follows.)